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Theatrical (390)

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Editor's rating: 
 1.0
Tuesday, 24 March 2009 ,  Written by Daniel Hirshleifer
Last House on the Left, The (2009)
It seems like there have been a lot of horror remakes recently. And that’s not even including American remakes of foreign horror films, which was already commonplace. No, it seems like in the past few years, we’ve seen more than our fair share of horror franchises reworked and regurgitated for the masses. Halloween and Friday the 13th are the most prominent examples. Notably, there are also Nightmare on Elm St. and Hellraiser remakes in the works. These are all long-established horror franchises that have truly run their creative courses. Heck, the last time we saw Jason or Freddy was in the campfest Freddy vs. Jason. So I really don’t have any issues with remakes in general, or horror remakes in particular. However, that doesn’t excuse the lazy, uninteresting remake of The Last House on the Left released in 2009.The Last ...
Editor's rating: 
 2.0
Wednesday, 18 March 2009 ,  Written by Daniel Hirshleifer
Race To Witch Mountain (2009)
I’m not a wrestling fan at all. I think it’s juvenile and bereft of any positive values. However, I do quite like The Rock. No, I never watched him wrestle, but his out of the ring career has been enjoyable. Even as he’s abandoned “The Rock” moniker for his real name (Dwayne Johnson), and geared himself towards middle of the road and family comedies, I think he’s charismatic enough to hold his own on the screen.And truly, charisma is the only thing Race To Witch Mountain has going for it. The latest in the Witch Mountain series, which started with Escape To Witch Mountain and then continued with Return To Witch Mountain, is barely above the level of a Sci-Fi Channel original picture, with only the charm of its actors to distinguish it.Johnson plays Jack Bruno, an ex-con who now ...
Editor's rating: 
 3.5
Wednesday, 04 March 2009 ,  Written by Daniel Hirshleifer
Watchmen (2009)
In the comic book world, Watchmen, along with The Dark Knight Returns, represents a turning point. Prior to these two seminal books, comics were seen as being for kids. While the 1970’s saw darker themes being introduced into the tales of our favorite superheroes, it wasn’t until Watchmen that comic books truly arrived as a storytelling medium equal to conventional literature or film. Winning the Hugo Award and being the only comic book to appear in Time magazine’s list of the 100 best English-language novels of the 20th century, Watchmen’s place in history was assured from almost the moment it appeared. Since that time, many attempts have been made to turn the comic into a motion picture. Although the piece was generally considered “unfilmable,” that didn’t stop the producers who, in all fairness, are truly big fans of the book. ...
Editor's rating: 
 2.0
Tuesday, 24 February 2009 ,  Written by Brittani Simberg
Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)
I would like to blame Confessions of a Shopaholic on the timing.  As we are constantly reminded by various media sources and our own diminishing bank accounts, our economy is in the worst shape it has been in since the Great Depression.  Who, then, wants to see a film about a girl whose sole woe in life is that she just can’t seem to stop herself from buying pretty shiny pink things?  An audience of people worried about holding onto their jobs are supposed to feel bad for a girl whose maxed out credit cards won’t allow her to buy one more pair of Christian Laboutins (super expensive shoes) when she already has a closet filled with them?   Boo hoo.  Their maxed out credit cards won’t allow some of them to pay the electric bill or put food on the ...
Editor's rating: 
 3.0
Tuesday, 17 February 2009 ,  Written by Daniel Hirshleifer
Friday the 13th (2009)
I’ll admit it: Jason was always my least favorite slasher. I saw no point to his existence. John Carpenter already gave us a silent and unstoppable killer in Halloween’s Michael Myers. Wes Craven gave us a villain whose very existence brought about the most creative of deaths in Nightmare On Elm St’s Freddy Kreuger. And Sleepaway Camp did everything that Friday the 13th did, only with far more shock value. So why even have Jason around? Regardless of my impeccable logic, the hockey-masked killer blazed his way through eleven (9 if you don’t count his brief cameo in the original, and the fact that it was a copycat in the fourth installment) films before finally running out of steam. By the time we got what seemed like the final Jason film, Freddy vs. Jason, Mr. Voorhees had become such a ...
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